My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
