I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I still have a little drunk in my system
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
