We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
