Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
