i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
