I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
