Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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