My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
