My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
