oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
