I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
