I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
