I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You pole danced in your parka.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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