There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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