I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
