Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
