Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
only you would photoshop your dick
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
