I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
