Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
