worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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