New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
