high people should be assigned attendants
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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