At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
