I just pynch a tree in the face
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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