I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
