I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
