I'm sorry my penis didn't work
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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