i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
