i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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