I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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