The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We named our party play list daddy issues
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's rum buckets o'clock
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
