This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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