You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
