tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
