There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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