i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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