He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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