She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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