if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
