we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
