Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
