oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
