is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
