I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
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