i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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