I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
