He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
