just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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