i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
