Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
